What the fuck?

What is up with all you motherfuckers (men and women) who lie? I'm not talking about the lie you tell when you get drunk and wake up in some stranger's bed and your boy/girlfriend/husband/wife asks where you were. Yeah, that's a fucked up lie, but at least it makes sense in a very dishonest way. I'm talking about you weirdos who just lie randomly over shit that isn't even purposeful. You know, like the girl who will wear an orange jacket on monday and then on wednesday, make some random, casual, yet bizarrely specific comment about how she doesn't own any articles of clothing that are orange. If you've never known anyone like this, then what I just said probably confused you or sounded ridiculous. But believe me, these people exist. I just spent two years with one.

For those of you who are still somewhat confused by what I'm referring to, let me give you an example.

Example of a purposeful lie:

"No, I was definitely not with that guy/girl at a hotel last night to fuck him/her. I was helping him/her get back to his/her room because s/he has cataracts and can't see very well."

Ok, now... same scenario, but crazy person pointless too much lying type lie:

"No, I was not with that guy/girl at a hotel last night to fuck him. What happened was I had an epileptic fit... oh, you didn't know I had epilepsy? Yeah, it's been a problem since I was an infant. I was actually BORN having an epileptic seizure and the doctor had to pull my tongue out of my throat with a ballpoint pen... that's why I have that weird fear of pens, remember how I have that fear? So, I had this seizure and it turns out that you can stop these seizures with a certain kind of shiatsu massage combined with herbal tea, but it's this kind of herbal tea that you can only get in Vietnam... and no one knows about it but me and the person who told me about it, so if you google it, there's nothing there. So I'm having this seizure... and it's the kind that you can't tell I'm having a seizure, cause you probably saw me walking through the lobby of the hotel with that guy/girl, right? Yeah, it's the kind of seizure that you can totally walk straight and appear fine, but your INSIDES are, um, seizuring... and so it's actually more dangerous cause people don't realize that you need medical attention. But this guy/girl, the one you saw me with, his brother/sister who was up in the hotel room happens to be a shiatsu masseuse who specializes in treating internal epileptic seizures! and s/he's from Vietnam and happened to have that herb that goes with the massage. And so I went up for about 20 minutes to get a massage from his/her brother/sister and drink the tea while s/he went off to go hit on guys/girls at the bar because s/he's a real slime bag, the kind of guy/girl that I can't stand! Fucking terrible!"

See what just happened there? For those of you who have never experienced this sort of lunacy, this probably sounds absurd and even humorous to you, right? Well, fuck you, this is not laughing matter, there is nothing funny about this. This is where all the headaches start (and end). This is where all the fights start (and end), the ones that go like this:

• LIAR: blah blah blah lie, lie, lie, then something moderately true, something true, something that could be true, lie, lie, and then one more lie.
  
• YOU: huh? what?
• LIAR: lie, lie lie, lie
• YOU: wait a minute... what?
• LIAR: LIE LIE LIE, crazy lie, weird lie, lie for no reason lie, and then something kinda true to make you feel bad...
• YOU: whoa whoa... waaaaaiiiit a minute.. what the...? why would.... ?
• LIAR: (in a raised voice) LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE, weird lie, crazy lie, a why-would-you-lie-about-that kind of lie, and then finally, for the apex, one of them I'm-not-even-sure-what-kind-of-lie-that-was kind of lie
• YOU: (defeated) wow, holy shit.
• LIAR: you're an asshole!

I've had that fight before. Almost verbatim. Except somewhere in there, there was a lot of hysterical crying and screaming (that always scared the shit out of me when she did that; more on that in another post) and during her screaming and crying, I mumbled a lot of shit to myself, like, "crazy cunt" and "what the fuck is this maniac's problem?"

But really, my point in all of this is... what the fuck was that maniacal crazy cunt's problem?